Monday, December 23, 2019

Bradford Royal Infirmary air pipe insertion

Last minute change of plan before surgery last Thursday meant I had to be given a general, as opposed to local, anaesthetic. 
I've had general anaesthetic before but the anaesthetist did warn me that the air pipe might make my throat sore.
I don't know who did the actual insertion, but four days on and swallowing is agony, looks like soup for Christmas and my throat feels a third of its normal size.
That pipe must have been inserted with all the care and attention of a plumber suction plunging a khazi.

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Like a knife through...


Brand new knife, straight out of the wrapping earlier on Tuesday, washed and into the knife block. I go into the kitchen around 10.00 to make a cheese and pickle sandwich (red leicester, by chance).

I don't skimp on the cheese in a cheese and pickle, so I'm about 4 slices in when I become aware that the blade on this Arthur Price stainless steel job is loose in the handle. Not to put too fine a point on it (which the knife soon proved it certainly had), there was a definite wobble.

I took the knife in my left hand and felt the 'wobble' by moving the blade with my right. And ended up putting it straight into my palm. Knife through butter, knife through palm.

Now it wasn't just the cheese that was red by name and nature. Add the floor, kitchen cupboard sink and worktop. The caring person at 111 and her nurse colleague urged me to go to A&E. Arrived at midnight, left at 4.00 am, then back to another clinic at 8.00. Told to come back at 11.00 the next day, so home at last after surgery at 10.00pm on Thursday night. A long drawn out affair for a moment's idiocy.

Stitches out day after Boxing Day and a course of antiobiotics to add a further dampener to the festive fun. Having a shower with your right arm in cling film is a fetish kick too far for me.


Saturday, November 23, 2019

Choking a porpoise

On my GP's advice, I bought some Vitamin D supplement the other day.
As befits something vaguely medicinal, the tablets come in a sturdy plastic container with a strong 'pull off' seal strap.
The pack is 3 inches tall, that's 78 mm for us remainers.
On opening it, however, the tablets barely cover the base.
There's a lot of fresh air and plastic left over. Probably enough of the latter to choke a porpoise

Saturday, November 16, 2019

An aortic regurgitator laughs

Once a year, as someone with aortic regurgitation, leaky heart valve to you, squire, I have an echocardiogram to see how the leak's going.
This involves lying on my left side while a gel coated probe is pushed around my chest by the machine operator. Part way through the proc8this morning, there was a knock on the door and another operator said that one of the two other machines wasn't working correctly. Rachel, my echocardiogrammer, asked if they'd tried 'turning it off and back on again'. Naked from the waist up, with my chest smeared with KY jelly, it was hard to suppress a giggle. Maurice, Roy and now Rachel - it's a killer line, everytime.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

How much is that Sophist in the window?

I got a quote for replacing the fascias and soffits on my house this week. The man who taught me - very straightforwardly - the difference between the two, emailed me a quote of 4 grand for a 'sophist'. I'm taking the price stoically.